pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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