dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
