What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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