I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
