Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
