I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
