She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
