My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
