Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
