I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
