i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
