I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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