is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
The struggles of a small town man whore
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
