I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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