M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
