Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
