I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
