I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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