p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
