Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
