Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
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