Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
my phone needs a breathalizer
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
