I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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