I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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