i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
