just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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