I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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