i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
