My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
