my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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