If i come over, it means nothing
Sry I called you an 8
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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