Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
