did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
