if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
