I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
