he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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