you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
