My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
