you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
