They should really pass out barf bags in church
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
