I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
