Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
