Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
