i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
