your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
