I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
