So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just want nice things and good sex
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
