even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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