Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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