1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
this boner is exhausting
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
