We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
All I want is dick and wine.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
