I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
