We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
