Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize