We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
