dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
