It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
