if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
