Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
