hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Randomize
